Facing down grief: losing the campus’ heartbeat
“If you haven’t been through this, you will never know how it feels,” said bereaved mother Kathy Hudson to guests at her daughter Felicia Hudson’s garden dedication ceremony.
“You laugh and you talk to people and you smile and you do this and you do that, but at the end of the day, your heart hurts,” said Kathy Hudson.
On Saturday, Sept. 27, Santa Monica College (SMC) unveiled a memorial rock for Felicia Hudson, the custodial operations manager who was fatally shot on campus nearly a year ago. To honor Felicia Hudson and her almost 30-year career at SMC, the school commissioned a monument in close coordination with her family.
“Felicia was, in many ways, the heartbeat of the college,” said Dr. Tre’Shawn Hall-Baker, Vice President of Human Resources. To others, she’s a woefully departed friend who’s memorialized on campus.
The rock sits between the Student Services Center (SSC) and the Theater Arts Building, at the intersection of where her energy, love, and passion were, said Dr. Lizzy Moore, SMC Foundation President and Dean of Institutional Advancement. “She serviced many areas of the campus, but these were two of the little key rooms and also just an area that everyone passes through,” Moore said.
Before the ceremony, Moore cleared the vicinity and allowed the family to view the rock privately. No one spoke, but everyone observed as Kathy Hudson approached the memorial with her grandson, Patric Buckley — Felicia Hudson’s only child.
Kathy Hudson and Buckley stood in silence under an overcast sky, staring at the memorial rock adorned with white roses, candles and a plaque. The plaque reads, “Felicia Hudson, November 23, 1969 - October 16, 2024,” with Psalms 91:1 inscribed underneath a picture of her smiling.
The air was silent for minutes. Then, Kathy Hudson began to cry, prompting Buckley to embrace his grandmother and slowly rub her shoulder as they both bowed their heads.
SMC’s President and Superintendent, Dr. Kathryn Jeffery, opened the ceremony and spoke about her first days at SMC and seeing Felicia Hudson in the parking lot. She thanked Felicia Hudson’s family and explained the symbolism of the monument to the crowd.
“The space is also intended to serve as a symbol of how the loss of her (Felicia Hudson) life leaves a void in the hearts of those she loved and those who loved and cared most about her. Those who called her mother, who called her sister, friend and beloved colleague,” Jeffrey said.
Kathy Hudson spoke from the heart after Jeffery’s closing remarks, starting her speech by emphasizing her pain. She cries every day and hasn’t slept for more than four hours since Felicia Hudson’s murder, said the grieving mother.
“I pray that I can sleep, but I can’t,” Kathy Hudson said, her voice quavering. “I don’t want to be medicated. I don’t want to be nothing. I want to feel this. I want to get through this.” She then broke down and began to sob.
Buckley rushed to the podium to console her, and once his grandma recollected herself, she continued. Kathy Hudson said she misses her daughter calling her to say, “Hey, old lady,” and as she expressed her grief, she experienced a momentary second of anger.
“I want to scream to the top of my voice sometimes because it shouldn’t have happened to my daughter,” said Kathy Hudson as she punched the podium. “I’m so sorry, I go through this every day, y’all. Every day.”
Kathy Hudson said, “Nobody’s in the house with me, so nobody hears me; nobody hears me, but me. Nobody knows what I go through on a daily basis. But I know that I had a good daughter — everybody knows that. And I know she loved me, and I loved her, no matter what. I know y’all seen the toughness in her. You've seen the sweetness in her, I’m sure.”
Following her speech, Kathy Hudson walked towards her family, who surrounded her in a warm embrace. The guests watched, and once the DJ played “Safe In His Arms,” by Vickie Winans, people began to cry. As Winans belted, more people in the crowd started to cry; some men crossed their arms and hid their faces.
Bridgette Robinson, an SMC English professor, took the stage to read David Romano’s poem “When Tomorrow Starts Without Me.” Robinson slowly read to the weeping crowd as they clung to her words.
Hall-Baker closed the ceremony. She said a few kind words, delivered a prayer, and gave her final thanks.
According to Buckley, Felica Hudson had a “serious demeanor,” but it doesn’t reflect how silly and fun-spirited she was. She may have seemed intimidating, but not to those close to her.
“If they just interacted with her randomly, they may not know how big a heart she had, and how much she went above and beyond for the college, but also for the things that would benefit the students,” said Sherri Bradford, Program Leader for the Black Collegiate Program.
Bradford said, “One of the last things that she did was for the Black student graduation. She donated the balloon art for the service, and she had such pride in it. I remember her saying that she was going to do it again.” Unfortunately, Felica Hudson never got the chance to.
“She was the epitome of who she was, to be of service to people. I miss that smile, I miss her funny ways. I’m glad that the college is honoring her in this way,” Bradford said.