How to cope with purchasing the orange chicken in the cafeteria
You’re skulking around campus after a weary day of classes, searching for anything to fill the empty bubbling void in your gut. “Gurgle gurgle,” your stomach cries. You turn to the school cafeteria, the only place that seems to offer anything of substance. “Sniff sniff,” your nose says. Something sweet and tangy catches the attention of your olfactory bulbs. You follow the scent thinking, "why not?"
Students around you fly out of the cafeteria with giant glistening chicken balls that somewhat resemble the living popplers in an old episode of Futurama. You slide your debit card, grab a coke and find a comfortable spot in the awkwardly fluorescent room next to the students playing Magic The Gathering.
You take your first bite and think, “This tastes like anything but chicken.” Instead, your food is just a strange doughy, mushy clump of unidentified brownish, white fluffy matzo ball-esque substance.
Well, you’ve already spent six bucks on this deceiving meal. What now?
I’m here to help! There are a plethora of options. Let's run through some, shall we?
Option 1: Throw it away. Feed it to the pigeons. Bury it. It’s a shame there’s no saving these tiny creatures that went through animal cruelty and didn’t even become a slightly satisfying meal. Their sweet delectable lives were wasted. Either become a die-hard vegan or move on.
Option 2: Okay, you don’t have any money to throw at another meal. Those were your last six bucks and you can’t waste them. Request some Sriracha from the cafeteria. Fill a bowl with it. Dump orange chicken into bowl. Enjoy your new Sriracha-flavored Chicken Soup for the Soul.
Option 3: Perhaps your sensitive pallet can’t handle the intensity of Sriracha so you need other ways to deal with the rubbery texture of the orange chicken. Maybe balancing it out with something sweet is the way to go. A unique combination of chocolate and orange might do the trick. Grab two Hershey’s chocolate bars. Unwrap. Insert orange chicken in between the two bars like a sandwich. Devour.
Option 4: You didn't read this article yet and suffered through an entire bowl of orange chicken due to ignorance and desperation. You’ve now become another statistic and your stomach starts to hurt. Regret sets in deep. You’re past the point of no return. The only assistance I can offer you at this point is to head to the Health Services Center. You’re in luck because it is fairly close, located in the northeast corner of the Cayton Center Complex by the cafeteria. If your insides burst out or inhibit you from moving, contact campus police at (310) 434-4300. May God be with your tortured soul. I pray for your speedy recovery.