10 worst films of the year
This year's candidates for best picture truly pale in comparison to the last few years of nominated films that have rolled on through. This year, the academy will be pulling from a rather impressive pile of repeats, poor rhetoric, and massive ego trips the size of traffic on 405 at 6 p.m. 1. Boyhood
At the top of the list is Richard Linklater's critically acclaimed 3 hour catastrophic waste of time about a sedated real-life Holden Caulfield. Rotten Tomatoes has prized this ambitious lost little lamb with a not too shocking 99 percent, with writers praising it as an intimate narrative about the investigation of the human condition. I felt so bad for the person who held their piss for the entire three hours only to realize that their bladders had undergone permanent for literally nothing. Linklater produced a film about a boy, who says nothing, does nothing, goes nowhere. And yes, he went on a foreign film trip by making the film be about the monotony of life and the milestones of growing up. For the most part, this consisted of a series of horrendously uncomfortable coming of age moments that no one ever wanted to re-experience again. And as their "hero" grew older, every year the project had to meet back up to film the next scene, and more than anything, it lost sight of what it was trying to say. It's truly a shame that Linklater swayed so far from his simple, elegant, and brief sagas beginning with "Before Sunrise" that have more meaning in the first 5 minutes than "Boyhood" has in the entire trailer. Don't worry, the academy wouldn't dare letting their new golden boy walk of Graham's theater without at least one golden trophy in hand, most likely for screenplay. Vomit.
2. The Rover
If you recall, far back into the depths of the late eighties, Leonardo Dicaprio embarked on a very very difficult journey as a mentally retarded boy in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape". And I have to say, that performance was without a doubt the best of his career. And it is evident that the academy thinks so too. It looks as though the beloved sparkly vampire, Robert Pattinson, is attempting a similar feat in "The Rover". For reasons only Robert Downey Jr. can articulate, it didn't work in his favor. In this post-apocalyptic Australia created by director David Michôd, the twitching Pattinson teams up with Guy Pearce, a man who will stop at nothing to retrieve his stolen car. And that's pretty much it. If you walk out of the theater and feel as though you are being laughed at by pick-pocketers, you're not going to be alone.
3. The Amazing Spiderman-2
If there was even a shred of dignity or structure left over from the first "Amazing Spiderman", it was entirely demolished by this pathetic piece of film that Marvel is embarrassed to be associated with even by contract. Oh how the mighty king of all that is hipster, the director of "500 Days of Summer", Marc Webb, has plummeted into the earth. Perhaps its the desperate attempts from Sony, to keep the money for the Marvel comic in its ever panicky pocket, resulting in this slue of horrendous remakes of what should have began and ended in 2002. Oh Sam Raimi, the geeks of the Marvel world are calling to your aid. Please leave the world of television and your projects to recreate "Evil Dead" again, and save the poor insect you created.
4. The Best of Me
Welcome to another episode of Nicholas Sparks jerking off hazardous waste to the likeness of "The Notebook" upon the innocent females of this already so superficial world. This time, Rachel McAdams, ahem, I mean, Michelle Monaghan, what's the difference, meets a boy below her status, they have fling in an old truck, and then they separate for pretty weak reasons. And so on and so forth. The fact that no one has assassinated this vindictive ghoul is evidence of our own "Patty Hearst" syndrome. Another film poster will feature someone holding the other's face with a sunset in the background, and you just want to drive in the opposite direction of traffic. James Marsden, even in action-oriented "X-Men" films, you will never be anything more than a gooey rom-com hunk following in the footsteps of Richard Gere.
5. A Million Ways to Die in the West
Seth, "Ted" was actually pretty funny, you really should have stopped there and just made this movie an episode on "Family Guy". I fell in love when you performed "We Saw Your Boobs" on live television at the 2013 Oscars; it was crude, entirely uncalled for, but so unbelievably hilarious when it looked like Naomi Watts was going to knife you onstage. That's what you should be doing; practical jokes, not full fledged movies. "A Million Ways to Die" really made me feel like I was dying a million ways. Please, stick to your short form cartoons, they're much more beloved and remembered.
6. The Winter's Tale
I have a theory that Colin Farrell's hairstyle determines the fate of the his film. Which is unfortunate because his hair in Akiva Goldsman's "Winter's Tale" is equivalent to the entirely creepy and greasy Jake Gyllenhal from "Nightcrawler". In other words, it truly was a disaster. The plot is simple; a man raised by a supernatural demon gangster with an angel horse sidekick attempts to love a woman who is dying of consumption, later walks the earth for a century and ends up with someone else. Don't worry, it doesn't make sense as it goes along. Coming from a director who is definitely known to hit and miss hard, the plot of "Winter's Tale" will shock you by how much it doesn't make sense.
7. Jersey Boys
Clint Eastwood has this uncanny ability to direct movies that I can truly only bring myself to watch once every decade. For the most part, his films are plagued with soul-crushing plots, tinted in gray settings, teaching you that life will truly never turn out in your favor. The slow melodious piano themes that accompany every film pound out notes so slowly that you're sure you will die once the song ends. And, though "Jersey Boys" is based on probably one of the most upbeat musical groups of the 1960's, the scene with the most attention to detail is one in a cemetery. Is this total hopelessness for happiness in life something that has developed in old age? Or have you always been this way?
It's truly a crying shame to watch the downfall of beloved actor Johnny Depp. Film after film, Depp has managed to play unpopular characters tank at the box-office, and this Frankenstein, I-Robot inspired hero (?) in "Transcendence" isn't an exception. Wally Pfister directed this ineptly plotted sci-fi thriller, touching on growing fears of artificial intelligence taking over humanity, an unfortunate follow-up to his cinematography efforts in "Inception". For a directorial debut, it was a failure, one that couldn't be salvaged by the mismatched list of celebrities on the bill, including Depp, Morgan Freeman, Rebecca Hall, Paul Bettany, and Kate Mara.
9. The Other Woman
In all respects, this movie is a complete remake of the 2006 pseudo girl power movie, "John Tucker Must Die", minus the clumsy young Brittany Snow and add a handful of privileged, middle-aged (ish) women. The plot is almost exactly the same, three women figure out that they're sleeping with the same man and try to turn the tables on him. Though it's marketed as a romantic comedy meant to empower women, you'd have to be perhaps one step below Dicaprio's "Gilbert Grape" to find a trace of either. It was painfully clear that even the actresses hated the script. Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, and Kate Upton delivered truly tragic acting performances came. Upton, who is nicknamed "The Boobs", didn't have much to do with the three lines she had.
10. If I Stay
She should have died.