Caught in the Heat of the Moment

Anyone who's seen Al Gore's Pulitzer Prize winning PowerPoint presentation will tell you that "Global Warming" is the reason we've all been sweating through our shirts in class. Whether or not this weather is made by man, machines, or the mechanics of solar/earthly mood swings is up for debate but most everyone can agree: it's starting to get a little warmer out there.

The two most predictable of all human responses are denial and egotism. Let's get the obvious out of the way: GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE IS REALLY HAPPENING! Being the dominant species on Earth it makes sense that we're blameworthy. The world population's approaching 7 billion people, breathing hot air and releasing up to 75% of heat through our heads alone. What's the most obvious way to approach these issues?

We can't all hold our breath but we could stand to shut up a little more. As for dealing with the heat escaping from our craniums: foil hats. It'll also help keep the Feds and aliens out of our brains. Not a very fashionable response to preventing man-made emissions so let's move on to more realistic methods of dealing with our impact on climate change.

Cycling is a great way to stick it to big oil, help the environment, stay fit, and be trendy. Riding a fixed gear bicycle is exciting, dangerous, and makes you feel more connected with your surroundings much like unprotected sex. However when someone decides a right turn is more important than signaling or mirror checking, you may be found in the bike lane one second and laid out across asphalt the next, a position I am quite familiar with. Take it from me, the time you spend locking eyes in the rear view after a calamitous "THUD" finally gets the driver's attention will be better spent getting plate numbers as they drive away.

Helmet or not, cycling's a hazardous option when reducing your carbon footprint. The plight of a cyclist may leave you limping from train to bus, presenting us with another answer: public transportation. If municipal travel were more efficient everyone would utilize it.

Of course Big Oil has been doing its part to prevent this in Los Angeles since the "Great American Streetcar Scandal" of the mid-20th Century, when the auto industry was booming and Standard Oil teamed with General Motors and Firestone, among others, to create a front company, "National City Lines," which acquired and disassembled railways, swapping them for busses. Not to mention, bus lines are already overcrowded. Again we find ourselves backed into a corner...

But what if humanity isn't the problem? Isn't it egotistical to blame ourselves and play victim of our own cruelty? Developments in recent years show that people may not be the source of Global Warming pollution.

The ratio of cows to people is approximately 1:6. One cow produces up to 150 gallons of methane a day, which is comparable to the emissions made from an SUV. However, methane is 23 times more potent than CO2. Easy fix: say no to fast food and stop breeding cows on an industrial scale for mass consumption. It's not realistic to ask everyone to stop eating meat, but could you eat it less? A hearty, healthier substitute exists in the animal kingdom in the form of ostrich, which tastes so much like beef that if it were canned and labeled cleverly, Jessica Simpson would have an aneurism.

Okay, this is just ridiculous... How could people and cows generate enough energy to raise worldwide temperatures when the most powerful energy source in our galaxy is so blindingly obvious? The Globe isn't getting warmer... IT'S THE SUN!!!

Atmospheric deterioration not only lets in harmful radiation we could live without but also releases many vital elements of our global ecosystem. Since our terrestrial seasons are achieved through a tilt in the axis as we rotate around the sun, during the northern hemisphere's winter when we are leaning away, it grows far cooler in the absence of direct sunlight.

Whenever winter comes around we'll have a hell on earth that freezes over every night, if things continue on their path. Next thing you know the ostriches will mutate with pigs who'll grow wings and take flight, the Eagles will get back together (again) and beach dwellers will grow webbed appendages thus becoming mermen and mermaids to cope with rising sea levels.

Recommendations for such apocalyptic circumstances include; mass interbreeding hence providing gene variation and possible resistance to extreme elements, giving due adoration to the solar deity and begging forgiveness, valuing our earthly mother who's been generous enough to form a habitable distance from the sun, and riding your bicycle inland after solar flares knock out the world's power grids because everyone will be killing each other for gas so you might as well take the target off your head.

Of course if we all chose to be more conscious and had a little more respect for ourselves, our surroundings and one another, we could avoid this terrible tragedy and live together in harmonious comfort and peace... but it could just be me.