He Said/She Said - You've Lost That Lovin Feelin'


There is a general and somewhat misguided assumption throughout the college-aged populace that if a guy in a relationship begins showing less signs of sexual interest – if he becomes bored with sex, or initiates it less frequently, or simply quits it all together – that there is something wrong with him.  This is an unfortunate irony, that a man's sex drive is his curse while he is single ("all men want is sex") and somehow the only way to guage his emotional investment when he's not ("all men want is sex – so why doesn't he want me?").  Allow me to rock the very foundation on which this assumption has long been held as fact:  sometimes, sex is not all men want.  Sometimes, I've got shit on my mind and you're really not all that inspiring and you're constant need for validation is actually perpetuating my disdain for satisfying you in any kind of romantic way.

That isn't to say that it's over or anything.  But sometimes, guys really just have other things on the brain – and that doesn't always mean another woman.  Oh, sure, you can kickstart a diminishing sex life with fancy outfits and a stripper pole and by bringing in your best friend – whatever you're willing to put on the one-night stand – but if a man's mojo is switched off, just give it some time.

Work issues, family troubles, or a general malaise can cause sex-postacies that shouldn't cause a girl to panic.  You know those nights where you "have a headache" and you'd rather eat a tub of ice cream and watch movies all night?  Guys have the same kind of days (except, being constructive, men usually take on new hobbies or extra assignments at work or a few more rounds with the guys on the way home).

Emphasis on days.  If this is something that goes on for weeks at a time, let's be real:  he's having sex with something.  Libido has lulls, but like fish and company, dips in sex drive go bad after three days (mom's always said that).  I would say to error on the side of caution before accusation – if a guy is going through something so rough that sex of all things becomes a chore, being henpecked for it certainly won't help revive any intimacy.

The bottom line is:  they don't call it a spark for nothing – that first surge of intimacy isn't permanent.  Relationships that last aren't the ones where that begin with sparks flying or even ones that try to maintain the spark, but the ones where sparks are made all the time in new and creative ways.  If the spark in your relationship has fizzled out, then yours is a perfectly normal relationship.  It's not time to investigate why it's gone, but how to make new ones.  Relax.  Take some time to support instead of suspect, and that fire will be roaring in the bedroom in no time.



For girls, not having an urge to have sex is just as normal as having to pee. We go through phases in a relationship where sex is a high priority, like the beginning "Puppy Love" stage. However, these phases, like all phases, do not last. You will probably have the most consecutive sex at the beginning of your relationship, and then it starts to decrease as you two get used to a relationship routine. The more you see each other, the more that excitement starts to fade.

For guys, this may seem like a depressing time, but instead, think of it as a time for you two to grow emotionally. Just because you started having less sex doesn't mean its getting worse. In fact, the closer you two get emotionally, the better the sex will be.

Guys: in these circumstances, do not put yourself first. Even if you have the most giving, selfless girlfriend in the entire world, sex is something you should be giving and sharing with each other. If you can make her feel special, she will have a much stronger urge to make you feel special, and the result can be phenomenal. Great sex is a result of clear communication, openness, and interest. If you have all three, over time you two will learn how to please each other in ways no one else has been able to before.

As for the question, there are many reasons why a girl may not be "in the mood." It could be a busy day, or a bad day, or maybe she is PMS-ing; none of these are your fault. You should remember that a girl not being in the mood usually has nothing to do with you. Try not to take it personally. Girls, biologically, do not have as high a sex drive as guys do, and that's just about it. Girls think about a hundred different things throughout the day and sex is usually the last, if thought about at all.

Do not be confused; this does not mean we don't want sex or aren't ever horny. This simply means it hasn't crossed our minds yet. A majority of the time, it is up to the guy to initiate sex, and make his needs clear in a respectful and appropriate way. Having good, strong communication in a relationship will really benefit you both at a time like this. Guys should be able to approach their girlfriends in a loving, flattering way that makes them feel attractive and sexy.

If you are worried something might be wrong, you should be able to talk to her about it; hence communication being an important component of your relationship. Is she losing interest in you or are you not showing enough interest in her? Ask yourself questions like this first, then ask her. If there's a problem, it will be obvious, and if she's the right girl, you two should be able to work it out.