A Mid-Election Letter From The Editor

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One panicked perspective in the middle of a historic election that isn't going quite as planned

Current Electoral Votes

Hillary-209         Trump- 232

Hey everyone. Editor-in-Chief of The Corsair here. Trump is starting to run away with this godforsaken election and I’m scared. I can’t stop paying attention because I’m in 2 of a media company. So I’m going to distract myself by writing this advice column on what to do and what not to do if and when Donald Trump becomes our next president.

DO: TRY AND THINK ABOUT OTHER STUFF FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS

It’s going to be all gloom and doom if the guy from “The Apprentice” defeats the former First Lady of the United States and becomes our 45th president. But here’s an important thing to remember from now until Inauguration Day: Barack Obama is still president right now!

I didn’t really care for Obama’s presidency, but he at least has many redeeming qualities and is probably going to be giving some really entertaining speeches in anticipation of a Trump presidency.

Enjoy normalcy and stability while we still have it. Distract yourself with the basic pleasures of life. Because once Trump moves into The White House, it will be dark times everywhere.

DON’T: BLAME JILL STEIN

I see this happening on Twitter already. It’s stupid. Hillary is losing Florida by over 100,000 votes as I’m writing this, and Jill Stein has only gotten 60,000.

But even if that wasn’t the case, it isn’t Jill Stein’s fault that Hillary and her campaign couldn’t convince people not to vote for Jill Stein in a swing state.

And as always, the burden of responsibility does not fall on the voters, but the candidates. It isn’t the voters’ job to reflexively vote for Clinton. It was Clinton’s job to convince people she is electable. If she loses, it’s because she failed. Not because of the Green Party.

DO: START PLANNING OUR NEXT MOVE

Start planning for the 2018 elections, start planning out effective anti-Trump social activism, and start planning the 2020 Democratic primary. Let’s try to not nominate one of the most unpopular candidates ever this time, yeah?

DON’T: SPEND ENERGY TRYING TO GET TRUMP IMPEACHED

If Trump does something worthy of getting impeached, he’ll get impeached. It’s not going to be some Woodward and Bernstein shit. It’s going to be him slapping Elizabeth Warren on live television or something. He’ll take care of getting impeached on his own.

DO: MAKE JOKES ON TWITTER

There will be people telling you this isn’t an appropriate time to make jokes because the stakes are too high for the country. Twitter isn’t real life and it’s a better experience for everyone if people are making funny jokes. Your serious take on politics probably will be bad anyway. Just say something funny.

DON’T: SAY YOU’RE GOING TO MOVE TO CANADA

It’s not funny and at least 1,000 people are saying it at the same time as you just in a one mile radius. You’re also not going to move to Canada.

DO: MOVE TO CANADA

It seems great up there. Their politics can be a little weird too, but if you are able, it seems like a great life decision.